Sleep Interrupted
2024 ended very well for me. In the final quarter of the year, I began to address many things that had been causing me anxiety and concern, my finances, in particular. God had answered prayers and confirmed for me that I was on the right track with several matters I had put before Him. (Prayerfully, I’ll have more to share soon!) I had done new things that pushed me out of my comfort zone. Even in the midst of illness in late October, during one of the busiest times of the year at work, I had rest, peace, and a renewed sense of priorities.
So I was surprised that during the first full week of January 2025, I had one of the worst sleepless nights ever.
I’ve come to learn that when things are heavy on my mind, they show up in my sleep. I usually have no problem getting to sleep, but in the early hours of the morning, around 1 to 3 AM, I wake up. And I am not awakened because of some noise or disturbance in the room, but by the interruption of my own internal clock misfiring. It’s like out of nowhere, my brain signals my body to wake up.
I picture my brain bossing my body around like a stern school master, willing it awake at its dismissive and ill-timed whim.
And during those nights when I am awakened by my own thoughts, I proceed to, well, think and think some more. After about 15 mins of laying awake and being stuck in the seemingly endless loop of my thoughts, I usually turn to one of several remedies that have successfully put my mind at ease and lulled me back to sleep.
First, I have curated a playlist of YouTube videos specifically for these moments aptly called Sleep Time.
Most nights, I turn on this playlist of bible readings, sermons, and soothing music right before I drift off to sleep. I listen. I don’t watch the videos. I learned that you should not expose your eyes to any screens or light before bedtime. Your body thinks that it’s still day time, making it harder to go to sleep. I’m still working on reducing my screen time before bed, but I do turn my phone over so that the cell phone light isn’t glaring in the bedroom. Many times, this playlist is still going when I wake up in the middle of night.
So my first option is to just start that playlist over and listen in. And if everything is going well, the next thing I know, my alarm is waking me up in the morning. In those cases, the sleepy playlist did its job by seamlessly drifting me back into the world of sleep.
But on nights when the sleep playlist fails me, and I remain awake in my own thoughts for 30 mins…an hour…more than an hour, a sense of desperation starts to bubble up in my mind. So not only am I coping with my sleep-interrupting thoughts, I have the anxiety about my sleeplessness to contend with too. I think the mental health profession calls that a secondary disturbance.
Anxious Thoughts
On a night when the day’s work sneaks into my nightly subconsciousness, my thoughts are usually something like this…
I can’t believe “so and so“ has not responded to my email. The payment deadline is coming up next week, and I need several days to prep. They know I need this. It happens every time. So it’s nothing new. Is this task on my checklist? Yes, I believe I added it before I logged off today. I guess I’ll follow up in a few days…Wait, why am I thinking about this?! There’s nothing else I can do about it. Is there anything I can do about it? Did I word my email in a way where they know I am expecting a response? Again, wait, it’s 3 AM. Why am I thinking about this right now? I need to be asleep. The alarm will go off at 6 AM. I promised myself that I would work out in the morning, so I need to get up at six. I’ll allow myself only one snooze, so that’s 6:08 AM. I really need to go to sleep. I can’t keep missing my morning workouts. Why didn’t my sleep playlist put me back to sleep? Maybe I should have taken a melatonin gummy. Man, those things make me drowsy the next day. I’m practically useless for the first half of the day after I eat those gummies. I’ll try the sleep playlist again. Let me cover up the time on my phone while I restart the playlist. I don’t want to know what time it is because I don’t want to be more anxious about how much time I have left to sleep. I wonder if I’ll ever get to sleep. The sleep playlist is going, and I’m still awake. Don’t look at the window. If I see light coming through at the top of the curtains, I’ll know it’s almost time to get up. Not again! I need to sleep. I am moving my alarm to 7 AM. Maybe I can still get my workout in. But I’ve got to go to sleep now. I’m so tired of this cycle….it’s been happening so much lately. No, it’s 5 AM. Ok, I’m pushing the alarm out to 8 AM. I’ll have to workout another morning. I need my sleep…
This internal conversation can sometimes go on and on until about 6:30 AM when, at last, my mind’s war against my rest ends, and the drowsiness wins. I fall back asleep, only to be painfully awakened by the alarm at 8 AM. It’s actually a very sweet and subtle alarm tone, but to my ears, it sounds like a freight train at my bed side, destroying my last hour of REM. The brightness of the morning is actually somewhat welcome. At least I know I’ll be super tired that night, and my body will not give my brain the opportunity to jolt me awake. Sleepiness will win the battle that night.
While this is a milder example, it’s an accurate sampling of the sometimes aimless but always disruptive thoughts that intrude upon my rest. And I know I’m not the only one who deals with this restless night mayhem. Anxiety is the most common mental health issue in the US according to the Anxiety and Depression Association of America. And one of the main side effects of stress and anxiety is sleep deprivation.
I prefer to call it a sleep attack. I do feel like it’s an attack. It’s not harmless or victimless. My physical body suffers, and my emotional health suffers. But these types of nights usually only happen when there truly is some deadline at work or there’s something in my life I have not dealt with. You see, for years, I felt like I was stuck. I’d wake up to thoughts that I was wasting my life and my talents. That was one of the catalysts for starting My Surrendered Heart in the first place.
Surprise Attack
But as I mentioned earlier, I was coming off a very productive 2024. I was mostly excited about the newness of 2025, which is more than I can say about previous new years. And work had barely started back up, so there was not much for me to be concerned with. So again, I was very surprised when during the first week of 2025, I had a sleep attack like none other in recent years. In the middle of the night, it was like every aimless thought I could think popped into my head, one after the other. And my frustration with this assault on my rest just led to more frustration.
Why, brain? Why are you betraying me like this?
The sleep playlist failed me multiple times that night. I began counting the different videos that I was still listening to because I WAS STILL AWAKE. I felt like my mind was paying me back for thinking that I was breaking the cycle of the down in the dumps Januaries. I imagine my mind was saying, “Hah, you thought you outsmarted me with all your ‘progress’ coming into 2025. Well, how about I turn all your excitement into anxiety? How serene and peaceful do you feel now?”
And then the night took a frustrating turn. I was so shaken up that I was in this place again, frustratingly sleepless, that I began sobbing. And you’d think that with all my talk of faith, God is a God of miracles, and two decades into this Christian walk that I would have done this next thing first. But it took me bursting into tears in the middle of the night to get to the place where I definitely should have started from the beginning.
Read the Word of God.
I knew this! I knew the book on the table next to my bed had all the answers. I knew very well the words of my Savior would comfort me and give me the peace that I so desperately needed in this restless night. But why was I so intent on not opening it right at that moment? Sure, I had been listening to the bible in audio. The book of Psalms or the book of Deuteronomy had been my go-tos recently. But right then, I needed to turn my light on, open up the Bible, and read the words for myself.
I was ashamed because I did not have an answer for my hesitation. Instead of reaching for the Bible, I grabbed another neglected book on my nightstand. I began to read this book in 2023, but had put it down so long ago that I had forgotten what I had last read. So I started from the beginning. And because of God’s mercy, He allowed the words on the pages of this book to occupy my mind, taking back control as my internal narrator focused on the words I was reading and not on my anxious thoughts.
These words were a balm in Gilead. I was reading about Jesus and how the things He suffered and overcame not only fulfilled prophecy, but made it possible for me to overcome too.
Jesus Was Anxious Too
This book brought to light a powerful truth. Jesus experienced anxiety. He experienced anxiety and overcame it. At Gethsame in particular, the anxiety of not only carrying the sin of the world, but the anxiety of all He would endure in the next moments of time pressed down on His mind like a grape in a winepress. The pressure was so thick and real in that moment that our Master sweated blood. His mental and emotional anguish manifested in a physical response. And where was His support, the ones He asked to watch and pray with Him? They were the ones asleep. Jesus went through, not just a sleepless night, but a tortuous night. For me. For us. He may have felt alone and desperate, but He was not alone. His Father sent a heavenly messenger to strengthen Him and comfort Him.
Jesus endured this sleepless night of all sleepless nights so that I could have the ability to access the power that overcomes anxiety. He cried out to the Father so that I could cry out to the Father in the midst of my frustration and desperation. Christ is the compassionate High Priest because He felt everything we feel to the maximum and still overcame, not by using His divinity, but by the Holy Spirit who empowered His humanity.
And so that’s why peace is His to give. That’s why He is the very Prince of Peace (Isaiah 9:6). He gives peace, not as the world gives it (John 14:27). This world system sucks up peace like a vortex and looks for new ways to destroy it. But Christ promised to give His followers peace as a gift.
Like Jesus in Gethsemane, on that early January night, I was not alone. My “friends”, my go-to sleep remedies, had failed me. But the Chief Messenger, the Comforter, the Holy Spirit used the words in the book to calm my mind and turn my thoughts heavenward.
The Weapons of Sleep Warfare
That led me to the next thing that I should have done from the very beginning.
I prayed.
With my thoughts now quieted, I had the space to return to my right mind. And I remembered the most powerful weapon against the foe of anxiety.
Prayer.
How could I have not prayed?
Well, in all my thinking about everything else, I wasn’t thinking properly!
I began to pray in my mind, but soon the words running inside had to come out. So I opened my mouth and made my petitions aloud, soft enough as not to disturb my sleeping loved ones, but audible enough that the sound of my voice stirred up a new sense of power and authority.
So with faith rising up, I remembered one of my lifeline scriptures, and I prayed it:
“Father, you commanded me and you promised me, ‘Be anxious for nothing, but in everything by prayer and supplication, with thanksgiving, let your requests be made known to God; and the peace of God, which surpasses all understanding, will guard your hearts and minds through Christ Jesus.’ This is what you said in your word, so I believe it. And I’m trusting you to make it a reality for me tonight.”
These verses pinned by the Apostle Paul truly are a lifeline for every Type A (“A” for anxious) person whose need for control turns into uncontrolled anxiety. If I had one life verse, Philippians 4:6-7 would be a top contender. I’ve committed these precious words to memory and have hidden them in my heart. And so, as it has many times before, this truth mixed with my faith caused the peace that can’t be explained to rush over my wearied and sleep deprived mind that night.
The Anti-Anxiety Scripture: Philippians 4:6-7
I’m going to take some time to break these verses down:
Be anxious for nothing…
It can’t get any clearer than this. No matter what the situation is, the command is not to worry. Do not be anxious. So even before the thoughts come up, we know the will of God is for us to NOT be anxious. Anxiety is us pulling the future into right now and trying to control the outcome. So we must relinquish control.
But in everything…
There is no matter too small to turn over to the caring arms of the Master. He cares about the details. I’m detail oriented, and the minutiae of life and work and everything can at times clog up my mind. But God can handle every detail and every picture. There’s nothing that escapes Him. We can take the big and small to the Savior.
By prayer…
Prayer is the source of our connection to God. We text, email, Facetime, conference call, DM to stay connected now-a-days. But connecting with the God of the universe requires no electricity or technology. It requires the blood of Jesus and a heart willing to converse with their Best Friend. So we can talk to Him anytime. Prayer is a conversation with the Lord.
And supplication…
God knows what we need, but asking Him for the specifics helps us acknowledge His sufficiency to provide. He longs to meet the needs of little lambs, who are helpless without Him.
With thanksgiving…
Not only do we pray and ask in faith, believing that we’ll receive according to God’s will, when we add that extra dose of thankfulness, it’s like the cherry on top. It’s like saying, “Lord, I thank you for already working this thing out.” It’s a thank you in advance. That’s faith!
Let your requests be made known…
Again, God knows what we need before we open our mouths. But there’s something powerful that happens when we voice our concerns to the Father. I’ve found that lack of prayer can be an indicator of pride in my life. But when I take the time to ask God for what I need, I’m acknowledging that I need Him. And it’s important to name what we need instead of just internalizing. It helps us relinquish our imaginary control.
To God…
When we pray, do we realize who we are talking to? We’re addressing the God of the universe, the Creator of heaven and earth and all the hosts of heaven. He sits on His throne in celestial glory, yet He came to earth as Emmanuel, God with us. When we pray, our prayers are intermingled with the blood of Christ as a sweet smelling incense, making our prayers acceptable to God. Our prayers truly go from our lips to God’s ears. He leans in to hear us. And He is a Good Father who longs to give good gifts to His children. This is the God to whom we pray.
And the peace that surpasses all understanding…
It makes perfect sense for human beings to be anxious in the world that we live in. Without the Lamb slain before the foundation of the world, we’d have every reason to harbor anxiety and fear. But God has made a way where there was no way. And because He came and rescued us, we can have peace about the biggest issues of life and the smallest of concerns. This is not the peace that the world gives. The world distracts. God comforts. This is a peace that doesn’t make sense in this fallen world.
Will guard your hearts and minds in Christ Jesus…
There is a protective barrier placed upon those who have the mind of Christ. Christ took every opportunity to trust His relationship with His Father, and though tempted, He never moved out of the safety of that peace. We have the same spiritual ability when we lean into the LORD for all that He is and all He has done for us. The Spirit of God gives us the helmet of salvation.
Sleep in Heavenly Peace
So when I prayed these words and I started to thank the LORD for hearing and answering me, my victory over anxiety and sleeplessness came quickly.
My tears had dried. My mind, now at peace, allowed my body to drift back into slumber.
But wait? I’m going to be so tired. How am I going to get through the work day? Come on now. Have I not already gone through this? I will pray. Tomorrow has enough trouble of its own. For whatever time is left, I will sleep the sleep of peace.
Since that night, have I woken up in the middle of the night? Yes. Have thoughts about whatever wants to make itself prominent in the moment disturbed my rest? Yes. I have lost some sleep. But I’ll never forget how my God delivered me when I cried out to Him on that cold night in January. I know where to go first. From now on, the Sleep Time playlist will have to take a backseat.
If you are struggling with anxiety and sleeplessness, I’ve included some resources for you below, including additional scriptures, a link to the book I was reading during my sleepless night, some of the videos from my Sleep Time Playlist, and songs that bring me comfort and peace.
Sleep well.
Scriptures:
Philippians 4:6-7
Matthew 6:25-34
2 Corinthians 10:4-5
Psalm 139:23-24
Psalm 4:8
John 14:27
1 Peter 5:6-7
Recommended Resources:
Audio: Jesus Mediation Playlist – Dr. Jennifer Jill Schwirzer
Message: Digging Out the Spiritual Roots of Depression and Anxiety – Nicole Parker
Book: The Hidden Half of the Gospel
Songs:
“My Love, My Ever-Present” – Mosaic
“Jesus, King of Angels” – Fernando Ortega