13 Going on 30 35
In our culture, even though 18 makes you legal for many things, and 21 makes you legal for just about everything, turning 30 has marked the symbolic end of youth and the beginning of real adulthood. My generation has turned that idea into a gerund: “adulting”
And for my millennial generation in particular, the 30s have become the age when we’re mostly likely to make these major life changes… the three Ms: Marriage, Mortgage, and becoming Mommies and Daddies. I believe stats show the average age for all three Ms is getting pushed out further and further.
But to sum it up, when you enter your 30s, you’ve reached the decade of Maturity.
Many people mourn the loss of their 20s, but when I turned 30, I was excited. I knew that entering this new decade of life would mark the start of a new season in my walk with Christ. 30 is such a monumental age, even from a biblical perspective:
- Sons of Levi could officially start serving as priests at 30 (Numbers 4:3,23,30)
- Joseph began ruling Egypt as the second in command at 30 (Genesis 41:46)
- Jesus Christ was baptized and started His earthly ministry at….30 (Luke 3:23)
So it was with great anticipation that I approached my 30th birthday. I wasn’t necessarily looking forward to anything specific, but I definitely had a sense of purpose and an expectation of great things to come.
So at 31-ish, when I saw social media posts from others who were dreading turning 30, I encouraged them. “30 is great. It’s a whole new season. Great things are ahead.” …that sort of thing. And I meant it. I just knew God was going to do the things that I’d been waiting from Him to do. You know, answer those secret, unspoken prayers that only He and I knew about. I’ve been delighting myself in Him, so I was really looking forward to getting the desires of my heart. That’s what the verse says, right? (Psalm 37:4)
So what happened? Why am I writing this blog post? Why did I immediately dread turning 35 the moment I hit 34? What brought about this age of discontent?
I’ve narrowed it down to a few things. Maybe you can relate.
Unmet Expectations
What I subconsciously expected to happen in my life by a certain time had not yet happened. I thought I’d be living at this place, doing this job, weighing this much…married to this person (keep filling in the blanks)… but I wasn’t. And so while I was going through the days and weeks of my routine, somewhere along the way, there was a quiet mix of resentment and fear bubbling up in the back of my mind.
I began having wake up in the middle of the night in fear moments, my thoughts racing with questions I could not answer. “What in the world am I doing with my life?” “God, am I where you want me to be right now?” “Will I ever get to where I need to be, or is this really it?”
The unspoken timeline for my life, previously hidden behind the fog of my day to day, began peeping through the midst and started glaring at me. I began to feel trapped. Trapped in my room. Trapped in my routine. Trapped in the disappointment of not living up to my own expectations.
But were these expectations actually from God or did they originate from my own will? The truth is, I didn’t know. And the fact that I didn’t know was very telling. Somewhere, I failed to take account of my life, but I still expected myself to arrive at the destination on time.
I’d forgotten:
"Trust in the LORD with all thine heart; and lean not unto thine own understanding. In all thy ways acknowledge Him, and He shall direct thy paths." - Proverbs 3:5-6
"The steps of a good man are ordered by the LORD: and He delighteth in his way. Though he fall, he shall not be utterly cast down: for the LORD upholdeth him with His hand." - Psalm 37:23-24
But by my own understanding, I was not where I thought I should be.
Comparison Kills
Social media is the devil. Ok, social media is not the devil, but the devil sure can use it to trick otherwise perfectly blessed and provided for folks into thinking they don’t have enough and that everyone else does. Quite frankly, social media has made it easier for us to break two of God’s perfect commandments. (1) We can lie about the status of our lives by cherry picking, filtering and posting only the most appealing glimpses of our lives. (2) We can covet the lives behind those cherry picked, filtered pictures of others. Either way, we are learning to compare. We do this all the time, but Facebook and Instagram have only accelerated the flames of discontentment that comparison brings.
So when I looked at my life in comparison to others, I was subject to resent my “status” … to wish I had what they have. Playing the comparison game was killing my joy, the joy of my contentment in Christ.
I’d forgotten that God is big enough to provide for all of His sheep and that He’s a good Father who cares for all His children equally. He doesn’t leave anyone out, and He hasn’t forgotten any of them. What others have is for them, and what God has for me is for me.
And I had to ask myself: was I comparing myself to the right picture? The only one whose pattern I’m supposed to follow is Jesus Christ. If I follow His page, then I’m reflecting the right image.
I needed to learn some lessons from the Apostle Paul.
"Not that I speak in regard to need, for I have learned in whatever state I am, to be content:" - Philippians 4:11
"And my God shall supply all your need according to His riches in glory by Christ Jesus." - Philippians 4:19
Lacking a Lens of Grace
I felt like I had been in a season of transition for a while. I had secretly begun to lose hope. Along with my unmet expectations came impatience with myself.
I began to think, “Will I ever arrive, Father?” “Will I ever be free?” “Will I ever get the healing I need in order to live life abundantly for Christ out in the open, all the time? “Will I…. Will I…. Will I…?”
Somewhere, it all became about what I am doing and where I am going. It all started and ended with me. My own planning and abilities and actions would get me to where God wanted me to be. This was a lie. But I began to cultivate a mindset of self-sufficiency. What I needed was a mindset of self-surrender. Now self-surrender doesn’t mean I throw my hands up and do nothing until I come across a big ole burning bush. It doesn’t mean I just pray, though prayer is essential and too often neglected. It means I do pray. I do take action. But most importantly, I trust. I don’t let fear keep me from moving, but I trust the journey and the destination to God. And I allow the Holy Spirit the time to work in me. It means I actually admit when I’m afraid instead of tucking the fear away into a vault of inaction and stagnation. And I ask God to help me in my unbelief. I humbly accept that some of the things I think I’m ready for, I’m not yet ready for. I accept that God knows me better than I know myself and wouldn’t let me be tempted beyond what I can bear.
I allow myself to live in grace, not performance.
In those moments, the Holy Spirit reminded me that I’m not looking at the mirror clearly. There is grace enough to see me through every season. I cannot depend on my strength. My trust must be in the wisdom of the Master Planner who knows all and sees all.
"There hath no temptation taken you but such as is common to man: but God is faithful, who will not suffer you to be tempted above that ye are able; but will with the temptation also make a way to escape, that ye may be able to bear it." - I Corinthians 10:13
"And He said to me, 'My grace is sufficient for you, for My strength is made perfect in weakness.' ” - 2 Corinthians 12:9
"…for it is God who works in you both to will and to do for His good pleasure." - Philippians 2:13
"…being confident of this very thing, that He who has begun a good work in you will complete it until the day of Jesus Christ." - Philippians 1:6
Running Out of Time
In case you haven’t noticed the signs, we are in the last days. There’s a wise and healthy urgency with which every believer should be living. Part of my uneasiness with myself was that I felt like I was wasting the one currency none of us can get back: Time. “By this time, I should be this…. By this time, I should be that.” Time was a key component. And as I felt the time slipping away, I knew my Father was letting me feel the despondency, partly because I was right. I had been wasting time. Many of the things that were part of my routine, the things I considered comforts and rewards, were actually distractions. Let’s be more honest: they were not just distractions; they were idols…Idols because the time I should have been spending with God, I was spending on these things. And I could sense His disappointment. So part of my unrest was actually a part of God’s chastening. I needed to repent. I needed forgiveness for the time I sure enough had wasted. But I also needed to remember:
The LORD disciplines those whom He loves.
"For whom the Lord loveth He chasteneth, and scourgeth every son whom He receiveth." - Hebrews 12:6
God is in ultimate control of all time and the timeline of my life. His promises are sure, and He is patient.
"But, beloved, be not ignorant of this one thing, that one day is with the Lord as a thousand years, and a thousand years as one day. The Lord is not slack concerning His promise, as some men count slackness; but is longsuffering to us-ward, not willing that any should perish, but that all should come to repentance." - 2 Peter 3:8-9
The LORD is kind and sovereign enough to make even my missteps work for His purpose.
"And we know that all things work together for good to them that love God, to them who are the called according to His purpose." - Romans 8:28
He will restore the wasted years.
"And I will restore to you the years that the locust hath eaten..." - Joel 2:25
Here’s How I Got Am Getting Out of the Funk of My Own Thoughts
It stands to reason that if someone is thinking and acting wrongly, then to change course, one needs to think and act differently.
- Instead of clinging to the future I’d planned for myself, I should trust my whole future to the One who has started me on this journey and will see me through to the end.
- Instead of comparing myself to others, I should compare myself to Christ. That should keep me busy.
- Instead of looking at myself through the lens of my own self-criticism, I should look at myself through the abundant grace of God.
- Instead of wasting time on unfulfilling idols, I should spend time in THE WORD OF GOD.
Seems simple enough. Well, there’s usually a huge gap between the knowledge of a thing and the application of that thing. But knowledge is a good first step. And thankfully, I have help: The Holy Spirit.
Here’s my encouragement to you and to me. If we’re going to count anything, here’s what we should count:
- Count your blessings, not based on how many vacations you’ve taken or concerts you’ve attended, but how many times God has shown you Himself in your every day.
- Count your character, not based on today’s failings, but on the overall arc of your life and through the eyes of a God who loves to extend mercy.
- Count your relationships, not in quantity, but in quality, in how much Christ is reflected in every interaction.
- Count your time, not based on the number of trips you’ve made around the sun, but on how many moments you’ve operated out of love and not fear.
Here’s Where I Am on the Three Ms
Marriage
Lord, how many marriages are on rocky ground or over right now because the two people entering this sacred covenant had no business being married? Recently, I was listening to a marriage seminar and the speaker said that unfortunately, when some people said, “I do”, they were signing their death warrant. That’s chilling. In that same seminar, the speaker said that second in importance to whom you decide to worship is your decision about who you will marry. Again, chilling.
So when it comes to marriage, the safest bet for us unmarried folk is to focus on the committed relationship we are hopefully in right now: the one with the God of the universe. It sounds so cliché, but sometimes clichés are accurate. If marriage is something we long for, that can be a good thing if our longing is submitted to God. If marriage is something we think we need in order to be fulfilled, we are up for a big disappointment. We can trust God with our hearts. He will not withhold any good thing from His children. He knows what’s best, not just for our right now, but for our eternity. What I know God wants for me right now is to have ears that are sensitive enough to hear Him and a heart that’s soft enough to follow Him wherever He leads, and to learn how to love and receive love from others.
Mortgages
Housing prices have absolutely skyrocketed in the U.S. In the area where I live, compared to a few years ago, housing prices are in another galaxy altogether. The times I’ve allowed myself to check out the listings on Zillow, the prices have actually made me sick to my stomach. Rent is also ludicrous. So I have to ask myself: is it wise to take on a mortgage right now? I don’t know. Do I need a three-bedroom condo or a 2,500 square foot home in the latest subdivision or a flat in the newest downtown high rise to live and thrive? I may have thought so at one point, but apparently I don’t. What I need is shelter. So I’m typing up this blog post from my childhood bedroom, which is where I will be until God’s wisdom about my next location meets my mind.
Buying a home is a major milestone in the American culture, and don’t get me wrong, if God has provided a home for you, it’s a blessing. But if you are ruled by what type of home you can afford and what kind of neighborhood you can live in, you may want to check your motivations. I know I’ve had too.
I’ve had to remember that the Savior of the world didn’t have a place to lay His head. His focus was on doing His Father’s work. That’s the food that Jesus told His disciples they knew nothing about. (John 4:32)
I’ve had to ask myself, before I expect the LORD to bless me with a new apartment or a house: am I walking in every room where I live right now with a perfect, upright heart? (Psalm 101:2)
Am I more concerned about the future property value than investing in my eternal future? Have I lost sight that if I never reach the American housing dream on this side of heaven, I am promised a mansion in my Father’s house? Which house am I ultimately living for?
"Seek ye first the kingdom of God, and His righteousness; and all these things will be added unto you." - Matthew 6:3
Mommies (and Daddies)
If I’m completely honest, I’ve never been someone who longed to have children. But I believe children are truly a blessing, and I would be nothing but blessed if motherhood is in my future. I know many women have longed for nothing more than to be a mom and raise their own family. As the years progress, I’ve had to face the fact that the biological clock is real and it is ticking away. There’s a window of time for us ladies to have natural children, and the prime time is in our twenties. The truth is I don’t know if I will ever marry and have children. But here’s what I do know: God is sovereign and able. And children everywhere need support and fostering, so one can start mentoring and practice mothering (or fathering for any gentlemen who are reading this blog post) in every season. I’m learning to submit that area of my life to God and to trust Him with what I can’t see right now. The LORD wants for me to remain open and surrendered to His possibilities.
Contentment at Any Phase of Life
At the end of the day, each one of us must ask ourselves: am I currently doing or on my way to doing what God has placed me on this earth to do? Am I using my gifts, talents, finances, and time for God’s kingdom?
If your answer is yes: Amen. Hallelujah. Keep it up!
If your answer is no: and you are a sincere believer, the Holy Spirit will begin to pull you, push you, prod you just like He is prodding me right now. He may use the very restlessness and uneasiness you are feeling to help move you towards that purpose.
If your answer is I don’t know: Ask the LORD to show you and believe that He will. Be willing to hear whatever He has to say.
Through the season of my restlessness, I’ve learned the thirst and hunger of life can only be filled when we are fulfilling our God given purpose. When we are not walking in the narrow way to that purpose, true disciples will feel a discontentment in mind that cannot be quieted until we are first honest with where we are and then surrender our discontented state to God.
I’m learning to welcome that discontentment, to lean into it. It’s usually the prodding staff of the Good Shepherd, guiding us to the right pasture. That restlessness was one of the reasons I started My Surrendered Heart.
At the time I’m writing this section of the blog post, I am exactly one week away from the big 3-5.
Am I where I thought I’d be? No.
Am I in the place where God has me? Yes.
Do I trust God with the rest? I’m learning.
Thankfully, God knows exactly what He’s doing.
"The LORD will perfect that which concerns me: thy mercy, O LORD, endures forever: forsake not the works of thine own hands." - Psalm 138:8
"For I know the thoughts that I think toward you, says the LORD, thoughts of peace and not of evil, to give you a future and a hope." - Jeremiah 29:11
Recommended Resources: